Analysis of slow-motion films of couples in various situations reveals that the two individuals continually “speak” to each other by nonverbal methods (gestures, actions, facial expressions, and the like). When people have been married for a period of time even a few weeks or months-they develop a mutually understood labeling system. Certain gestures are assumed to indicate specific moods or emotions. This process of classification is natural, but it has a serious flaw. It ignores equifinality, which means that a particular end result may arise from one of several different beginnings; thus, if a wife rubs her nose whenever she is getting angry at her husband, he will soon recognize the connection. But suppose she also rubs her nose when it itches? His immediate defensive behavior (when he believes she is angry) may set off in the wife a spark of annoyance that then convinces him that indeed she was angry. Old patterns, unlike soldiers, don’t die or fade away. They remain, unless clarified by the wisdom and experience of the spouses.This misunderstood nose rubbing illustrates once again the fact that the message sent is not always the message received-the lack of clarity of communication which is one of the major problems in marriage. It is inevitable that spouses will miscommunicate occasionally, perhaps even 20 per cent of the time. But when miscommunication begins to overpower clear communication, the marriage is in trouble, and probably will get worse. Poor communication tends to breed more of the same.
What happens between troubled spouses is that they do not communicate effectively. The spouses do not exchange clear, useful information. Instead, they attack each other with hypocritical messages which may mean one thing literally, but in effect mean something else. These come in a repetitive pattern-which triggers double-meaning, destructive responses from the other spouse. “Everything would have worked out fine if you hadn’t upset me.”
“The hell you say-you just don’t give a damn about my feelings.”
This is a familiar kind of exchange, which may be yelled, signaled by angry glances, or telegraphed by hurt silence.
Yet as has been suggested earlier in this chapter, the breakdown of communication between spouses usually does not arise from deception. The greatest single cause of breakdown is the exchange of information which is culturally clear to one spouse and culturally foreign to the other. Spouses usually have different backgrounds; therefore, they have learned to label things differently. For example, their definitions of what is meant by “good” behavior or “good” taste may be divergent. To the shy, puritanical husband, his gregarious wife may seem immoral when she kisses men she knows upon meeting them at parties. And the wife, whose family always ate breakfast (consisting of cereal and coffee) in the kitchen, may believe that her husband is an unreasonable snob when he insists on having a well-cooked breakfast served on white linen in the dining room.
At times the standpoint of one spouse-the context in which he is thinking or acting, which determines the labels he utilizes may be very different from that of the other, and therefore the message sent will not be the message that is received. For example, the husband in a happy mood who tells jokes to his depressed wife may feel that he is attempting to cheer her up; but she may conclude that she is being ridiculed.
When there has been for some time a burning issue in a marriage, such as whether the husband is really faithful, or whether the wife is smarter than the husband, or whether they married each other because she was possibly pregnant rather than because they were in love, every exchange of information can be interpreted in terms of the central unsettled question.
For example, if a husband had affairs before he married, his wife may still worry about the possibility of promiscuity, although he is currently monogamous. The husband may label his behavior from the standpoint of the participant in a relationship based upon fidelity and trust, but the wife may label his behavior with a degree of suspicion. Consequently, their discussions about a business trip may be troubled by misunderstandings. The wife may say she wants to accompany her husband in order to look after him-when she really means that she wants to check up on him. The husband with no thought of being unfaithful is not aware of his wife’s message. He knows that he does not require looking after on a two-day trip. His company furnishes a room at a good hotel, transportation, meals, and so on, and his schedule of appointments will keep him busy from nine in the morning until midnight. He may thank his wife for offering to look after him, and tell her how pleasant it would be to have her-but he will go on to say that it is impossible for her to come. The company would not pay her way and they cannot afford the expense; also, since it would not be appropriate for her to sit in on his continual round of business meetings, they’d hardly even see each other except on the plane. Therefore, she can’t come.
It can be seen that a great many mislabeled communications will pass between husband and wife on this issue, and that each destructive communication will lead to still others. Time after time, each spouse will be sure that his message is true and good, and that the other spouse’s message is false and bad.
Communicating is a skill which can be learned. There are simple techniques for guaranteeing that the message sent is the message received. These will be discussed later.