Today, more than previously, we recognize the importance of recreation for a well-balanced life. Constructive use of spare time is as much a duty as finding an adequate job. Unless we organize our recreation successfully, we are neither capable of giving our best to our work, nor do we fulfill our obligations to friends and to the family. It is the duty of every married couple not only to learn how to work together, but also how to enjoy life together.
Is it possible, however, to enjoy life today, when misery surrounds us and friction and hatred are rampant? There are many ways to enjoy life-all types of joy. Joy can be loud or quiet, passionate or calm, but it always indicates a great amount of acceptance. People who are not in opposition to life, whose emotions are not based on resentment, cannot but enjoy living. They can enjoy each other in erotic and sexual play; they can enjoy being together, regardless of what each is doing. They enjoy going places together, and they enjoy developing new interests where old ones permit expansion. But they should never forget that marriage cannot replace the larger community to which each human being belongs-friends, group, nation, and mankind.
Regardless of how happy two persons may be with each other, if they are united in mutual defiance of the rest of the world, they pay for it. A marriage which has as its foundation retreat from others may provide deep satisfaction for both mates; but one will have to survive the other and will not find his way back to life. If they have children, they will protect them against the demand of the outer world; they are bound to suffer, whether they succeed in alienating the children from, or whether they lose them to, the world. The intimate unit of two persons must be imbedded in a larger unit, provided by friends and groups, to which both belong. Social contact with friends, social activities, uniting one couple with others, must supplement home life, as work and recreation supplement each other. Neglect of either is harmful.
Social contact and interest in religion, in art, in science, as well as in politics, are not the fanciful ambitions of either husband or wife; they represent a broad foundation for the feeling of belonging to a greater unit than marriage. The tendency of either to keep aloof from the rest of the world indicates deep hostility and lack of social interest. Through the activities mentioned, we participate practically or in spirit with others. We share their thoughts and their work. We become actually a part of mankind, and our marriage becomes integrated itself in the stream of evolution, in which all of mankind is involved. The more the marriage is engulfed in this current, the more it is a part of life as a whole, the more stable and secure is its course. Good friends, devoted to husband and wife alike, are an invaluable help in times of distress. Common friends not only enrich the marital atmosphere, but function also as a cushion against the difficulties, disappointments, conflicts, and antagonisms which cannot be completely avoided when two people live together.
The Real Reason for Disappointments
Behind a concrete problem and overt friction are general attitudes and erroneous conceptions. Many disappointments derive from comparing past expectations with present circumstances. Unfortunately, both are often misinterpreted. We rarely are aware of what we expected, and we frequently misjudge what we have. Our experiences are in line with what we actually anticipated; only we fail to recognize our expectations and our own contribution to present disappointments. We confuse wishful thinking with actual expectation, and when the event deviates from our desire, we do not blame our own planning but factors outside ourselves. We all want peace and happiness, but do we actually anticipate them? Rarely-and, therefore, we do little to attain them.
We frequently act as if everything must go wrong, and as if happiness were not attainable. We don’t even expect ourselves to act properly, because we don’t believe in our ability to meet difficulties adequately. We do not admit how much we ourselves contribute to existing problems and difficulties. We feel provoked and do not realize how much we ourselves provoke.
As long as we maintain some kind of confidence and hope, we can bear disappointment and dissatisfaction. But there comes a moment when we have the feeling that we cannot bear it any longer, that something is broken within ourselves-that some irreparable damage is done. Nothing actually is irreparable. But this, sometimes even physical, feeling of an inner collapse indicates determination to withdraw, refusal to continue to cooperate. The actual occasion is never the cause; it is only the last burden, too much strain for an already frayed bond. An individual who does not lose courage, to whom problems exist only to be solved, never experiences this feeling of giving up. Never will he permit himself to drift farther and farther away from his companion.
Our own actions and attitudes influence not only the conditions in which we live, but also the behavior of the persons around us. In a good marriage both partners become better human beings merely by living together. In an unsuccessful marriage, each evokes the worst qualities in the other. As a consequence, character and the impulse to cooperate deteriorate. The destructive influence of enmity, repression, and accusation leads to mutual evasion of responsibility. Both partners feel insecure and are stimulated to acts of annoyance, punishment, and revenge. Each becomes what the other expects him to be, and that, unfortunately, is generally not good. However, both agree on one point, namely, that the other one is wrong. 