Since it is difficult to understand one’s self and one’s mate, the necessity arises to consult someone whose training enables him to assist in the process of mutual adjustment. The psychiatrist renders service to “normal” persons in their normal problems. Psychiatry is no longer a science concerned mainly with diagnosing and curing insanity and abnormalities. From the analysis of slightly maladjusted persons has come a new knowledge of human nature. We have today available techniques to understand human personalities and human behavior, an understanding important for the daily problems of the normal (that means average) individual. Wherever a deeper understanding of human problems is necessary, the psychiatric approach will be useful and sometimes essential. Husbands or wives in their sincere desire to overcome dangerous predicaments, in their endeavor to correct and overcome existing difficulties, look for the help which psychiatry can give, in what can be called marital consultations. Psychiatric training enables non-medical persons also to render such services. Ministers and lawyers, social workers and educators-all those who in the exercise of their professions meet human beings in distress, need training in understanding personalities.
In all cases, however, where emotional upset, disappointment, and failure lead to deeper disturbance of the whole personality and to the establishment of various emotional and nervous symptoms, consultation of a psychiatrist is required. This comparatively new idea of establishing clinics for marital consultation, where psychiatrist and social worker, psychologist and sociologist work together to assist individuals and couples, Ii to give general information and to offer adequate advice, is in line with the development of mental and social hygiene, of public welfare and family service. Such a project may find some opposition from various fields, but it is the result of an increasing awareness of the general and social nature of marital problems and of a tendency to organize vital assistance for the great public. It may be expected that this new venture will increasingly become part of our social institutions.
Divorce as a Marital Problem
Yet all available advice and all knowledge and instruction will not prevent the occurrence of marital situations so tense and full of antagonism that it seems impossible to maintain a satisfactory marriage. Whether we believe in divorce or not, there undeniably are marriages which threaten not only the welfare but the mental and sometimes even physical well-being of adults and children; separation seems then to be the only solution for survival. On the other hand, we cannot doubt that divorces are often sought where an adjustment could be made, either with some sincere intention or by seeking adequate assistance. There is no general rule of when and under what circumstances divorce is justified. It seems, however, that usually the more courageous solution is also the better one. Some contemplate divorce because they are cowards and wish to evade the task of submitting, contributing, and accepting. Others avoid divorce and continue a miserable, devastating marriage because they are afraid of facing life alone, of taking on responsibility to care for themselves and their children. Whatever is accomplished on the basis of fear is dangerous and increases suffering and misery.
It depends on each situation which solution requires courage and self-confidence. That is one aspect which may lead to recognition of adequate procedure. But it is still only one aspect-it cannot alone decide the issue. The interest of all the persons involved must be considered; first of all, the interests of children, where there are any. A home full of friction and humiliation, abuse and brutality is worse than a rather peaceful home atmosphere with only one parent. It cannot be doubted that both parents have definite contributions to make in the rearing of children, but harmony and the spirit of love and kindness are more important than anything else. Any person with a feeling of responsibility will deliberate thoroughly before breaking up a marriage. It seems always advisable to seek expert opinion before making any decisive step, as it is always difficult to evaluate properly any situation where personal interests and emotions are involved.
It must not be overlooked that divorce itself is a marital problem and hence can be solved only by cooperation between husband and wife. In any marriage, it is the last c0operative effort; but for many, it is also the first. If husband and wife cannot be brought to the realization that divorce is a common task which must be solved cooperatively by both, the divorce procedure may easily become a source of continued friction, hardship, and misery. In these cases, the marital conflict may continue long after the marriage itself has ceased to exist, especially if there are children.
Although the decision as to whether or not divorce is justified lies officially with the judge, he is hardly in a position to know all the factors. It should not be up to the law alone to forbid or permit divorces. Any regulation which does not take into consideration the social and psychological factors leading to friction and disappointment must do injustice in certain cases. Without direct insight into the situation, without sufficient opportunity to analyze the deeper psychological problems and the persons involved, no one can decide upon the advisability of a divorce. There seems to be a solution for avoiding the deplorable consequences of either granting or refusing a divorce on legal grounds alone, namely instituting obligatory marital consultation which offers opportunity for individual examination. Each person involved must have the right to decide for himself whether he or she is willing to maintain marital obligations; the good will of the partners linked in matrimony is indispensable for any kind of cooperation.
In former times, when people were more accustomed than now to submit themselves to strong personal regulations, it was possible by forbidding divorce to make men and women more ready to accept any existing marital conditions. As they had no chance to separate, they probably were more inclined to make the best of any situation which fate or their own good or bad efforts had established. In our times individuals are conceded the right to express themselves freely. Hence any attempt from the outside to force the decision must increase tension and opposition.
Today there is no chance of preventing divorces by forbidding them by law. The resulting feeling of resentment would intensify the antagonism against the mate, against the prevailing marital situation, and against the whole institution of marriage. Actions based on such emotions would hardly please those likely to favor a strict law against divorce.
We cannot conclude this chapter without discussing some of the problems that arise after the divorce. Once “freedom” has been obtained, does the divorce return to the state of a person single and unmarried? No. More than likely his sense of self-esteem has been badly shaken. In our competitive mode of living our sense of personal worth depends upon what we call our “success.” Whatever is regarded as failure reflects on our whole value. Prestige seems to be more important than any other quality or capacity. Divorce is frequently regarded as a personal failure. Especially women are receptive to such an erroneous evaluation. They regard a feeling of insecurity as a logical consequence of being divorced. Such a feeling, however, reflects only a doubt in one’s self, an exaggerated desire for protection, and an apprehension of public disapproval and disdain. As a consequence, divorce appears as a humiliation. Little confident in their own future, and convinced of their apparently hopeless plight, many divorced women either withdraw completely from attempting a new and better founded marriage, or seek superficial and cheap compensations.
A proper evaluation of their previous marital experiences might easily smooth the way in a new marriage. The past can equally well serve as a source of fear or as the basis for a better understanding and a more mature outlook. It all depends on the conclusion we draw from previous mistakes. Our attitude toward love and sex reflects our general outlook on life; our relationship to persons of the opposite sex expresses our general attitude toward all other human beings. A woman who participates in human endeavor and who takes an active part in progress and evolution will always find her place in the world, even if she is divorced. Men rarely regard divorce as evidence of failure and misfortune, and are more apt to make full use of their new freedom. They, not the wife or the children, are generally the first to see the “green light,” to emerge from friction and previous disappointments, and to take full advantage of new possibilities.