When two people enter a sexual relationship, each brings into the union his personality, a host of past experiences and, of course, his physical constitution, too. It must be an extraordinary coincidence if they really match perfectly. Lovemaking is an art, the perfection of which has to be developed through training, like any other art. The better artists they are, the better they immediately fit together. But even if they do not know the art at all, and even though they may differ in their initial attitudes, they can learn together. Every sex relationship is a process of mutual adjustment, if it goes beyond the first act of passionate release.
Let us state first some of the differences which two lovers meet in each other: each can be passive or active, demanding or submissive, leading or following. Each may be aggressive or patient, ruthless or sensitive, self-centered or considerate. All these qualities are expressed in sexual behavior. In some traits or habits there might be a natural agreement, a mutual harmony. May we ever expect it in all personal traits and habits? How little does the pair know of each other before they fuse so closely-and, therefore, how easily are they disappointed! Further, they meet in each other their whole individual pasts. What they have experienced, what they have liked, what they have dreamed-it all emerges in the one moment of unification. Hundreds of people meet in the one couple.
But lovers do not realize their own unseen participants and they are disappointed if the whole crowd of people does not match. All the affections which were given and received, all emotions toward the beloved ones, images of father or mother, brother or sister, of boy friends or girl friends-they all converge in the person with whom we merge in love. We do not experience a real person” but at first a symbol of whatever we have loved, whatever we have expected. Even if the circumstances are favorable and the mate can live up to every demand, we sooner or later awaken from the dream. Then we must learn to recognize our partner and to love the person. But if we love him for what he stands for in our mind, we become disappointed, and withdraw. Our love can persist only if the new experience is strong enough to conquer the past and to open a new chapter in our demands and expectations. If the mates fail to make this necessary mutual adjustment, sexual disappointment and increasing disharmony result.
Mr. and Mrs. A. consulted me in regard to their unsatisfactory sexual life. They were devoted to each other. A fine spirit of cooperation helped them to understand each other and to agree generally in solving their mutual life problems; but sexually they had drifted completely apart, and were now at the point where they could not enjoy each other at all. The decisive factor in their disappointment seemed to be the difference in their emotional training. Mrs. A., it happened, was an only child of a very affectionate mother, and had grown up in an atmosphere of tenderness and openly expressed devotion. Mr. A., however, had left his family when he was thirteen years old, had supported himself from that time on, and had spent his youth as a sailor. When he finally desired to settle down, to have a home and family of his own, Mrs. A. impressed him with her motherly devotion, and he fell in love with her. She loved him, because he was self-sufficient, a strong man who gave promise of protection and stability. Both were right in their expectation, but missed the grade on one point. She could not indulge in mere tender fondling with him without arousing his sexual desire. He rejected her demand just to be close to him, to be kissed and caressed, and she resented his brutal overpowering of her. During the years the mutual resentment grew stronger and stronger until he became impotent and completely lost any sexual desire, because he felt her painful and reluctant submission. Both failed to learn to love what the other one liked; each felt cheated in his own “justified” demands. Both wanted to receive satisfaction and not to give it.