One of the dangerous and yet most nearly universal threats to marital harmony is provided by in-laws. Not that any predicament arising from this source is more difficult to handle than any other; but in this case the temptation is strong to blame the mate and his family for resulting frictions. The husband’s mother and family is generally the more disturbing. Whereas the mother of a daughter very often welcomes a new man in the family, the mother of a son frequently considers no girl good enough for her “gem.” There are, of course, many exceptions to this rule, but experience shows a slight advantage in the favor of the wife’s mother. Regardless of the quarter from which the danger threatens, it will lead to friction and disappointment unless both sides deliberately decide to regard the problem as a common task. Otherwise, one blames the other for being partial and having no understanding.
Once this antagonism is established, a satisfactory solution is blocked. Trying to convince each other that he or she is wrong does not help and certainly does not make for better understanding. The wife of a mother’s boy forgets too easily that he, too, suffers from her domination or indulgence, even though he himself, as a good son, may feel obliged to defend his mother against any accusation. Realizing this conflict between an admired mother and a beloved wife, a clever woman will help him, not upset him with her complaints, regardless of how justified they might be. It is not difficult to find an effective answer to a situation which many consider almost insoluble, if we only use our imagination and our intelligence in the right direction. The unquestionable differences of interest among the various members of the family may be ineradicable, at least for the present moment. But the harmony of the marriage need not necessarily suffer.
Mrs. R. came for advice: She had been married a short time, and the couple was getting along nicely. Only one problem seemed insoluble-her husband’s family. She was at her wit’s end and had come to find out what she could do before she made many more mistakes, which certainly would endanger her marriage. The husband had lived previously to their marriage with his sister, who had always succeeded in preventing his forming too close a relationship with any girl. Thus he was no longer young when he finally fell in love with Mrs. R., who managed through a trying courtship to win the final victory over his family ties. The sister, who feared losing his financial support, was furious. She even refused to come to the wedding. Shortly afterward the sister reproachfully invited the husband to come to visit her. He hesitated a moment, because he resented her obstinacy-but he went. Mrs. R., who was not included in the invitation, was not too happy, as she resented the open rejection by her sister-in-law and felt that under these circumstances her husband should not go. Her resentment flared into open anger when Mr. R. returned from the visit obviously a different man. He was cold, unfriendly, irritable, and for the first time in their short marriage, the atmosphere became unpleasant and tense. The situation lasted several days. No word was spoken, and the previous harmony was restored by itself.
But the peace was only short lived and superficial. A few weeks later the sister-in-law called and invited Mr. R. again. This time Mrs. R. took a definite stand against his visits. It resulted in the first open controversy and hostility. Although he could not actually blame his wife, Mr. R. accused her of a lack of understanding because she interfered with his obligation to his family. In this situation, Mrs. R. came for help. Should she let him go and risk his being incited against her by her sister-in-law? Restoring his close relationship with his family, he might withdraw from his wife. Or should she protest against his desire to visit his sister, at the risk of open quarrels? That would not prevent her husband from secretly doing what he wanted.
I tried to make Mrs. R. understand that neither fighting nor giving in would help her. But there was another possibility. Mr. R. himself undoubtedly was in a grave conflict and did not know what to do. His devotion to his wife conflicted with his loyalty to his family. Why didn’t she help him? And so Mrs. R. discovered a solution. She went home and told her husband she didn’t want to alienate him from his family; but wouldn’t he think it only fair to take her with him if he went visiting them? His reaction was immediate and very strong. He was deeply grateful for her willingness to go with him, after all the humiliations which she had experienced from his sister. He called his sister up immediately and asked her whether he could come with his wife. The sister found some excuse for this occasion and promised to invite him at a later date-but he never received an invitation. From this moment on all problems concerning his family were solved by husband and wife together. There never arose any difference between them from this source.
Not all conflicts about in-laws can be solved so easily. It takes more endurance and patience to meet continuously persons who regard the wife’s very existence as an insult. But as long as she does not let anyone drive her from the side of her husband, as long as she tries to think in his terms, encouraging him, supporting him and helping him to overcome the conflict within himself, nothing can actually destroy their concord. Sometimes she may even be able, finally, to win over the mother-in-law, who may come to realize that she will always have to contend with her daughter-in-law and cannot extricate her from her son’s heart.
This favorite solution may seem impossible at the beginning, but it can be accomplished by a brave and kind person who has sympathetic understanding even for the sufferings of those who want to humiliate and hurt her. If this is impossible, the wife may be able to convince her husband that there is no way of helping his mother, regardless of how sincerely they try to find one. Recognizing his wife as a true and sincere comrade, gaining confidence in her and strength through her, he may become able to take the natural step of establishing his own independence of his mother, an independence which more fortunate men gained under less dramatic and painful circumstances. In any case, the proper behavior of the wife, who neither gives in nor fights, but understands and helps, can restore equilibrium between mother and son which no longer endangers the marriage.
The same is true, of course, for the wife’s relatives, as far as the husband is concerned. His jealousy or possessiveness can never be justified because he feels rejected or even humiliated by his in-laws. If he believes he can demand submission of his wife, if he considers it a feminine duty for a girl to leave her family and follow her husband, he shows no understanding of her human constitution. He may enforce submission, but he will reap the hostility which he has sown. Demands as a means of solving difficulties are not less futile if the man thinks he has a right to make them. Unfortunately, men are often not ready to give courage and comfort to their wives in their predicaments and conflicts. It looks as if a certain concept of masculine superiority deters men from showing sympathy and understanding. Sensitivity for their prestige is too easily aroused, and they seem to owe it to their dignity to demand and to enforce submission. Thus, although the problem may appear due to the in-laws, in reality it has been created by the domineering and demanding behavior of the husband.